I started work on something that I wanted to turn into a radio show this past Spring. Of course, I lost focus & sort-of tucked it into the back of my mind. I dusted it off today, and decided to revamp my blog with it. Here's is my first dispatch. You can still think of it as a "Fucker's Lament" if you'd like, for it surely is!
DISPATCH #1. 4/17/12. "So this is Spring!"
It's Spring-time in New York City, and everything feels like it's about to go batshit crackerjack. Everything goes up a notch. Even more "exclamation points" are used out in the open, in every context that you can imagine!!!!!!!
"If you scandalize my name, Then you scandalize yourself." (Ray Davies)
I don't think of Spring in terms of all of that "rebirth" shit. I think about it in terms of, "GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!" Let's call it, "positive pressure."
It's the time when you see a lot of freaks, everywhere. It's fucking awesome, yes. But it becomes a game of "freaks going batshit", and I often suspect that I might be playing! But everybody plays their own way, we find, and other people play by their own rules, just like you do. They aren't all fair either. They're a lot like life.
There's an arrogance with New York, that I sometimes think can bring out the best in some people, the worst in others, and both in most. Such is the duality of the core of the Big Apple.*
*I kind-of ripped that off from the Drive-By Truckers-Three Great Alabama Icons
If you don't let your ambition overwhelm your being so far that you use yourself up...or constantly act like a dickhead...you're doing pretty well. And remind me that I said that the next time you see me.
I feel sometimes as if I jumped off the cliff as soon as I got here, and I'm spending a whole lot of time in the air. That's where I live.
I hit the ground a lot, but I bounce back up, due to to many circumstances. The whole point is to stay in the air as long as you can, no matter how low you fall. Jim Carroll once wrote/sang, "It ain't cool to sink that low, Unless you're gonna make a resurrection." But let's face it, flying by the seat of your pants successfully requires a lot of good circumstances and luck. Fly away.
What's crazy about staying in when there are 12 parties going on is that you wonder what you're missing out there....yet lots of times, when you're out there, you're thinking, "Ah....THIS SHIT AGAIN?!" Sometimes you're at the 12th party of the night (morning, to many of you) and you wonder why the HOLY HELL you bothered....but who the fuck is keeping track?
I've been out at least 5-6 nights a week for the last 5 years. I have taken exile from the bars & clubs of NYC for 3 nights in a row. My conclusion? I sometimes regret going out, but I never regret staying in.
I thought so!
Such is the duality of the core of the Big Apple.
Spring, and every other season, is a lot of fun when you're confident about the future. The different seasons might each represent a reason why you go on with whatever it is that fills your life.
That confidence takes discipline, wisdom, and brain damage to maintain! There's a nagging feeling that you're either astronomically fucking brilliant, or you've lost your mind to such a nullifying degree that you're a lost cause. There's a razor-fine line.
There's that fucking duality again. Most people get fucked in twos, so I guess that makes sense, right?
I've always erred on the side of whatever the hell I want, at the end of the day. And my faith in my ambition is fueled by doing what I want, having a good time, working & playing hard, and hoping for the best. It's been a fun ride. But you don't necessarily want to spend your whole life in the gutter, you know?
I think it's all about being as balanced as humanly possible, between working, being creative, having fun, and keeping your head above water, at the very least....in the air tonight. I hate Phil Collins, but he had something in that tune. I can feel where he was coming from on that one. (But screw him anyway - I'm not posting that song).
Wake up, have fun, kick ass, or fall flat on your ass trying!