....it all started...and ended...with an ethnic condiment....

A few years back, when I was still living with....an ex of mine (don't ask)...we had woken up on a Saturday afternoon, very hungover and hungry.  For some asinine reason, it was decided that I should go around the corner to McDonald's, and procure for us a couple of combo meals  (which I don't do anymore...ever....fuck that shit). 

I ordered a Quarter-Pounder w/ Cheese (minus onions) meal for myself, and a Veggie Burger meal for what'shername.


So, I was waiting up front for my "food", like a civilized person does, when this substantially LARGE dude who's also waiting, next to his equally corpulent wife, turned to me, and said, "HEY!"


"Um....Hey?!"  was my reply.


"What's the NAME of that....ya know....that SAUCE....ya KNOW?!!!!"


"Um....I really don't know, Man....." I answered.


"Awww....Come ON, Man....it's that MEXICAN sauce....yaKNOWwhatIMEAN?!!!"


In a daze and royally hungover, I hadn't the foggiest notion of just what the hell this dude was TALKING about.


"No, Man....no shit, I REALLY don't KNOW....Man!"  Was my annoyed but politely expressed reply.


The dude, wearing an orange shirt with white stripes, brown cut-offs (or JORTS, as some people call them) and tenner shoes with Velcro on them, shook his head (as if I'm an idiot...I mean, HE was the one who couldn't think of what the fucking SAUCE was called, ok?) then got his "food", and he and his foodie-in-crime went and sat down.  

I was relieved.


A couple more minutes passed.  My "food" was finally ready.  I then went to grab ketchup and napkins and other-such shit.  When I turned around to head toward the door, the head of the Mexican Condiment Investigation Task Force was standing standing in my way.....and he uttered something indecipherable.....


"Heh?"  Was my incredulously annoyed response.


He repeated something I still couldn't understand...but it sounded vaguely like, "She's PORTLY!"  Right?


I made a face, and was just ABOUT to retort, "Well, you aren't exactly THIN YOURSELF, there, JACK!!!"  


But I didn't.....because just as I was ABOUT to say that, he bellowed it, and I understood....he finally figured out what the mystery sauce was, and was sharing this valuable bit of information with me....and it was....

"CHIPOTLE!!!!"

Thanks for reading, and have a kickass weekend!


Your good friend, 


Marty E.


PS-I have a fucking million of them!

Humourously crazy people that have crossed my path, or whacked out ghosts of blogs past, or just a few of life's special moments

Hey....while I've been out yackety-yacking on the town, I've been compelled for one reason of another to bring these stories up....so I thought I'd share them, the way I wrote them on my old Myspace (remember that phenomenon?) blog....enjoy.....
====================================================================

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Just when I thought I’d seen/heard everything in this town, or why I never watch American Idol Current mood: amused Category: Life Just a few minutes ago, I was walking through Madison Square Park....not the least bit bothered by the rain....when I heard this voice bellowing something indecipherable on the other side of the park.... "Now just what the HELL is THIS, now?!", I thought, as I guzzled my Dr. Pepper like it was a bottle of Jack. As I got closer to the other side of the park, I see what appears to be some homeless dude on a bench. It became apparent that, in his mind at least, he was putting on a little concert. I say this because he was talking at this point, as if to an audience (of which, incidentally, there were no members), between songs. And what I heard him say still has me laughing my ass off. He said, "Thank you VERY much ladies and gentleman....and my next number is a special song originally sung by Laura Branigan....." OK? And I thought to myself, "No....NO....Dude...PLEASE tell me you're NOT GOING TO!!!" But yes he did....he proceeded to do a gloriously off-key version Laura Branigan's song "GLORIA" at the top of his lungs....I still can't stop laughing......but maybe you had to be there.... I thought of uttering some cliche', like "Don't quit your day job"....until it occurred to me that this is probably it.....hahahahaha..... Marty E.

====================================================================

Thursday, August 28, 2008

"What The Fuck" moment 5,043,869 Current mood: confident Category: Life ...ok....so, I stepped out for some junk food (sometimes a dude wants some Chicken fucking McNuggets, ok?).... ...and this dude...who looked like a cross between Albert Einstein, Col. Sanders, and (what I imagine, the looks of) the King of France character in Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn starts yelling,"EXCUSE ME....SIR...YOUNG MAN....YOU....EXCUSE ME...THE YOUNG MAN WITH THE HAT!!!!" So, after ignoring him for a few seconds, I turned around and said, "WHAT do you WANT, (Man!)?!" And he says, "Do you mind if I take your picture?" "Nah, I don't mind," I replied. And he said, "OK, let me see your profile?" Slightly annoyed, but figuring 'What the Hell', I turned to my left. He took a closer look at me.... ....and then he said, "Well....no," and he walked the other way. I hollered after him, "Look, Dude....you're the one who asked, ahahahahahahaha!!!" I love this town.

====================================================================

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Weird, stupid, obnoxious, or should I just take it as a compliment? Current mood: confused Category: Life So....after "another one of those nights", I was dropping off a couple of friends of mine on my way home in a cab. I got out of the cab to let them out on the curb side. When I did, two or three guys on the sidewalk held up cameras and started taking pictures of me, and looking as jovial as all hell! Um....what the fuck? This sort of thing has happened to a couple of girls that I've known, but....never to me! I can't help but wonder....just who the hell did these crankshifters think I was?

====================================================================

You get my point.....and here's to many more "special moments"!

Thanks,

Marty E.