This one takes us WAY back....
I was NOT the popular kid back in high school. I got a multitude of shit for being different, and it was mostly unpleasant to say the least....but in retrospect, it almost makes me feel honored at this point....but that's another story.
There were a LOT of trees in my family's front and back yards....and for some reason, during my sophomore year, it seemed like a weekend wouldn't go by without some jerkoffs toilet-papering the trees. After this happened a few times, I grew tired of it....and it just so happened that I heard through the grapevine who was behind these toilet papering shenanigans. I aimed to retaliate!
So...I got a couple of my friends together, and we went to the grocery store and bought....well, a SHITLOAD of toilet paper. The funniest part was, when we went to pay for it, my friend Dan said to the lady behind the cash register, "Um.....yeah.....we all REALLY have to GO!" Ahahahahahaha!!!!!!
This douchelord who was the target of my wrath lived on the outskirts of town, in a fairly heavily-wooded area. PERFECT! And nobody was home. EVEN BETTER!!!
We papered the entire area around this crankjob's house with meticulous artistry!!!! And none of us could hold back our laughs as we did so. It was fucking hilarious!!! I can see, now, why those shaft sanders had so much fun in MY yard! HAhahahaha.
The best part, though, was running back to my friend's car, and driving by, to examine our handiwork. It was gorgeous! All of that toilet paper, waving in the trees like ghosts in the breeze! It still warms my heart to think about it!
Anyway....please don't squeeze the Charmin!
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Monday, October 19, 2009
Humourously crazy people that have crossed my path, or whacked out ghosts of blogs past, or just a few of life's special moments
Hey....while I've been out yackety-yacking on the town, I've been compelled for one reason of another to bring these stories up....so I thought I'd share them, the way I wrote them on my old Myspace (remember that phenomenon?) blog....enjoy.....
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You get my point.....and here's to many more "special moments"!
Thanks,
Marty E.
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Wednesday, February 06, 2008
 | Current mood:  amused Category: Life Just a few minutes ago, I was walking through Madison Square Park....not the least bit bothered by the rain....when I heard this voice bellowing something indecipherable on the other side of the park.... "Now just what the HELL is THIS, now?!", I thought, as I guzzled my Dr. Pepper like it was a bottle of Jack. As I got closer to the other side of the park, I see what appears to be some homeless dude on a bench. It became apparent that, in his mind at least, he was putting on a little concert. I say this because he was talking at this point, as if to an audience (of which, incidentally, there were no members), between songs. And what I heard him say still has me laughing my ass off. He said, "Thank you VERY much ladies and gentleman....and my next number is a special song originally sung by Laura Branigan....." OK? And I thought to myself, "No....NO....Dude...PLEASE tell me you're NOT GOING TO!!!" But yes he did....he proceeded to do a gloriously off-key version Laura Branigan's song "GLORIA" at the top of his lungs....I still can't stop laughing......but maybe you had to be there.... I thought of uttering some cliche', like "Don't quit your day job"....until it occurred to me that this is probably it.....hahahahaha..... Marty E. |
Thursday, August 28, 2008
| Current mood:  confident Category: Life ...ok....so, I stepped out for some junk food (sometimes a dude wants some Chicken fucking McNuggets, ok?).... ...and this dude...who looked like a cross between Albert Einstein, Col. Sanders, and (what I imagine, the looks of) the King of France character in Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn starts yelling,"EXCUSE ME....SIR...YOUNG MAN....YOU....EXCUSE ME...THE YOUNG MAN WITH THE HAT!!!!" So, after ignoring him for a few seconds, I turned around and said, "WHAT do you WANT, (Man!)?!" And he says, "Do you mind if I take your picture?" "Nah, I don't mind," I replied. And he said, "OK, let me see your profile?" Slightly annoyed, but figuring 'What the Hell', I turned to my left. He took a closer look at me.... ....and then he said, "Well....no," and he walked the other way. I hollered after him, "Look, Dude....you're the one who asked, ahahahahahahaha!!!" I love this town. |
Saturday, August 02, 2008
| Current mood:  confused Category: Life So....after "another one of those nights", I was dropping off a couple of friends of mine on my way home in a cab. I got out of the cab to let them out on the curb side. When I did, two or three guys on the sidewalk held up cameras and started taking pictures of me, and looking as jovial as all hell! Um....what the fuck? This sort of thing has happened to a couple of girls that I've known, but....never to me! I can't help but wonder....just who the hell did these crankshifters think I was? |
You get my point.....and here's to many more "special moments"!
Thanks,
Marty E.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
You Should Have Never Opened That Door or This Might Have Been The Guy Everyone's Parents Warned Us About (Wierd Tales from the City, Part 1)
When I moved to New York City, over 9 years ago, it was even harder to find a place to live than it is now....hell, I'd say it was a *lot* harder, now that I think about it. There was no Craig's List, to speak of (I think maybe it was just starting at that point) for one to find ads in, nor was there Facebook/Twitter/Myspace, etc, to help get the word across. There was the Village Voice (the PRINT version), but anything listed in there was almost always GONE by the time you even had a chance to read the ad. There were all kinds of "services" that would supposedly give you "lists" of available apartments if you'd give them, for, like, $200....but most of those were scams, and often, they were just reprints of the Voice ads. Fuckers.
There was one service that I used that *was* legit, and...to the lady who worked there that helped me....wherever she is, God bless your heart, wherever you are....and to my good friend Alfredo, who had a very soft floor in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn for me to crash on for the time-being.
That being said, it was still quite the adventure calling all these people who were looking for roommates, figuring out whether or not they were worth pursuing, and inevitably hopping all over a sweltering New York City (which I didn't know my way around quite yet, but was learning) to look at these apartments and meet these people.
[Overwhelming? Welcome to my life....and maybe yours too, right?]
But I'm writing today to tell you about the best story I picked up while desperately seeking a feasible living space. Some of you who know me might have heard this one, but....this is the type of story that NEVER gets old, and one I will never forget.
So, I saw a listing for a room in a two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, right by the corner of 83rd and Broadway, for about $700. So far, so good, right? So, I called this dude, who sounded sane and cool enough in the brief conversation I had with him on the phone. Furthermore, if I remember correctly, I believe I was the first caller, which inspired confidence. So I made an appointment to see meet this guy at his apartment that afternoon, around 3pm. Good shit!
So, I looked at my trusty Subway map and got my ass in gear and went over there....the apartment was on the 8th floor I think....the building at a doctor's office at street level....I got in the elevator, which lifted me to the 8th floor. The first thing I saw when the doors opened up was a "welcome" mat that said, "GET LOST!" I looked at my piece of paper, and was relieved that this was NOT the apartment I was to look at (but it was, indeed, good advice, as we're about to find out). I turned to my left and walked on down to the end of the hall, and knocked on the door.
The door opened up....and what I saw was a weird motherfucker in his mid-fifties....he sort of looked like a way-more-weathered Gary Busey. He was fat, had "gin blossons" on his nose, and had the three long hairs on his head pulled back in a pony tail. No shit. He sort of lunged at me, grabbed one of my shoulders, while "patting" the other one (pretty hard, mind you), sort of pulled me in and bellowed, "HI! HOW are YOUUU?!!!! You must me MARRRRRTY!!!!!" The guy seemed to be perpetually shouting...not in an angry way but....they guy was just too happy in his own skin, especially when it looked like that!
Anyway, we stepped into the living room, where there were two grand pianos, some sheet music strewn on the floor, and some college kid from Laos, who was all of 19-years-old at the very most, lying on a mat in the corner. "THIS IS ONE OF MY TENANTS," the guy said. I wondered how much he was charging this poor kid for a corner of the living room....but it occurred to me quickly that I'd rather not know what the arrangement was.
He led me to the room I was there to look at, which was fine....then we went through the door to the bathroom....then through another door to his room....all the while, he was constantly patting my shoulders....the thought of which still makes me queasy. I guess he wanted to discuss business in his room. Great. "HAVE A SEAT HERE....on the BED", he all but screamed. "Fuck that shit", I was thinking, while I practically jumped into the chair at his desk instead.
So he began telling me his story, with occasional interjections from me. "WELL....I'm an ACTOR and I TEACH PIANO LESSONS in the LIVING ROOM, there, which is why the PIANOS are IN THERE!!!! I go OUT from TIME to TIME, and DRINK and PLAY CARDS.....and I DATE MEN AND WOMEN...."
Which, is fine, but.....
Holy shit, this guy was just too much!!!! Do you remember the dude you were afraid was going to come and GET you when you were a little kid and couldn't sleep? Well, THIS was the GUY!
So, I mentioned that my former girlfriend from back home was to visit me for a week or so, and asked if he would have a problem with that. "NOOOOOO.....NOPE....I can't be HAVING THAT," he roared.
"OK, then," I said, "Um....really nice meeting you anyway!"
Hahahahahaha....
It wasn't over yet. Apparently he had to go downstairs for something, so....I had to do what no living organism ever wanted to do, and that was get in the elevator with this guy!
So, in the elevator, he asked me why I moved to New York, and I briefly explained to him that I was a drummer looking for a band.
Without as much as a split second's hesitation, he ROARED, "YEAH!!!! THAT WAY YOU CAN BE A ROCK STAR and FUCK 'EM AAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
[I couldn't do anything but laugh my ass off right along with him, if only because....I knew what he meant when he said, "ALL"!
The End.
There was one service that I used that *was* legit, and...to the lady who worked there that helped me....wherever she is, God bless your heart, wherever you are....and to my good friend Alfredo, who had a very soft floor in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn for me to crash on for the time-being.
That being said, it was still quite the adventure calling all these people who were looking for roommates, figuring out whether or not they were worth pursuing, and inevitably hopping all over a sweltering New York City (which I didn't know my way around quite yet, but was learning) to look at these apartments and meet these people.
[Overwhelming? Welcome to my life....and maybe yours too, right?]
But I'm writing today to tell you about the best story I picked up while desperately seeking a feasible living space. Some of you who know me might have heard this one, but....this is the type of story that NEVER gets old, and one I will never forget.
So, I saw a listing for a room in a two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, right by the corner of 83rd and Broadway, for about $700. So far, so good, right? So, I called this dude, who sounded sane and cool enough in the brief conversation I had with him on the phone. Furthermore, if I remember correctly, I believe I was the first caller, which inspired confidence. So I made an appointment to see meet this guy at his apartment that afternoon, around 3pm. Good shit!
So, I looked at my trusty Subway map and got my ass in gear and went over there....the apartment was on the 8th floor I think....the building at a doctor's office at street level....I got in the elevator, which lifted me to the 8th floor. The first thing I saw when the doors opened up was a "welcome" mat that said, "GET LOST!" I looked at my piece of paper, and was relieved that this was NOT the apartment I was to look at (but it was, indeed, good advice, as we're about to find out). I turned to my left and walked on down to the end of the hall, and knocked on the door.
The door opened up....and what I saw was a weird motherfucker in his mid-fifties....he sort of looked like a way-more-weathered Gary Busey. He was fat, had "gin blossons" on his nose, and had the three long hairs on his head pulled back in a pony tail. No shit. He sort of lunged at me, grabbed one of my shoulders, while "patting" the other one (pretty hard, mind you), sort of pulled me in and bellowed, "HI! HOW are YOUUU?!!!! You must me MARRRRRTY!!!!!" The guy seemed to be perpetually shouting...not in an angry way but....they guy was just too happy in his own skin, especially when it looked like that!
Anyway, we stepped into the living room, where there were two grand pianos, some sheet music strewn on the floor, and some college kid from Laos, who was all of 19-years-old at the very most, lying on a mat in the corner. "THIS IS ONE OF MY TENANTS," the guy said. I wondered how much he was charging this poor kid for a corner of the living room....but it occurred to me quickly that I'd rather not know what the arrangement was.
He led me to the room I was there to look at, which was fine....then we went through the door to the bathroom....then through another door to his room....all the while, he was constantly patting my shoulders....the thought of which still makes me queasy. I guess he wanted to discuss business in his room. Great. "HAVE A SEAT HERE....on the BED", he all but screamed. "Fuck that shit", I was thinking, while I practically jumped into the chair at his desk instead.
So he began telling me his story, with occasional interjections from me. "WELL....I'm an ACTOR and I TEACH PIANO LESSONS in the LIVING ROOM, there, which is why the PIANOS are IN THERE!!!! I go OUT from TIME to TIME, and DRINK and PLAY CARDS.....and I DATE MEN AND WOMEN...."
Which, is fine, but.....
Holy shit, this guy was just too much!!!! Do you remember the dude you were afraid was going to come and GET you when you were a little kid and couldn't sleep? Well, THIS was the GUY!
So, I mentioned that my former girlfriend from back home was to visit me for a week or so, and asked if he would have a problem with that. "NOOOOOO.....NOPE....I can't be HAVING THAT," he roared.
"OK, then," I said, "Um....really nice meeting you anyway!"
Hahahahahaha....
It wasn't over yet. Apparently he had to go downstairs for something, so....I had to do what no living organism ever wanted to do, and that was get in the elevator with this guy!
So, in the elevator, he asked me why I moved to New York, and I briefly explained to him that I was a drummer looking for a band.
Without as much as a split second's hesitation, he ROARED, "YEAH!!!! THAT WAY YOU CAN BE A ROCK STAR and FUCK 'EM AAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
[I couldn't do anything but laugh my ass off right along with him, if only because....I knew what he meant when he said, "ALL"!
The End.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A very in-depth interview w/ Crusher Magazine...
Thanks Christine, for the great questions and great times!
http://www.crushermagazine.com/features4_09/featpearls.htm
http://www.crushermagazine.com/features4_09/featpearls.htm
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