Humourously crazy people that have crossed my path, or whacked out ghosts of blogs past, or just a few of life's special moments

Hey....while I've been out yackety-yacking on the town, I've been compelled for one reason of another to bring these stories up....so I thought I'd share them, the way I wrote them on my old Myspace (remember that phenomenon?) blog....enjoy.....
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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Just when I thought I’d seen/heard everything in this town, or why I never watch American Idol Current mood: amused Category: Life Just a few minutes ago, I was walking through Madison Square Park....not the least bit bothered by the rain....when I heard this voice bellowing something indecipherable on the other side of the park.... "Now just what the HELL is THIS, now?!", I thought, as I guzzled my Dr. Pepper like it was a bottle of Jack. As I got closer to the other side of the park, I see what appears to be some homeless dude on a bench. It became apparent that, in his mind at least, he was putting on a little concert. I say this because he was talking at this point, as if to an audience (of which, incidentally, there were no members), between songs. And what I heard him say still has me laughing my ass off. He said, "Thank you VERY much ladies and gentleman....and my next number is a special song originally sung by Laura Branigan....." OK? And I thought to myself, "No....NO....Dude...PLEASE tell me you're NOT GOING TO!!!" But yes he did....he proceeded to do a gloriously off-key version Laura Branigan's song "GLORIA" at the top of his lungs....I still can't stop laughing......but maybe you had to be there.... I thought of uttering some cliche', like "Don't quit your day job"....until it occurred to me that this is probably it.....hahahahaha..... Marty E.

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

"What The Fuck" moment 5,043,869 Current mood: confident Category: Life ...ok....so, I stepped out for some junk food (sometimes a dude wants some Chicken fucking McNuggets, ok?).... ...and this dude...who looked like a cross between Albert Einstein, Col. Sanders, and (what I imagine, the looks of) the King of France character in Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn starts yelling,"EXCUSE ME....SIR...YOUNG MAN....YOU....EXCUSE ME...THE YOUNG MAN WITH THE HAT!!!!" So, after ignoring him for a few seconds, I turned around and said, "WHAT do you WANT, (Man!)?!" And he says, "Do you mind if I take your picture?" "Nah, I don't mind," I replied. And he said, "OK, let me see your profile?" Slightly annoyed, but figuring 'What the Hell', I turned to my left. He took a closer look at me.... ....and then he said, "Well....no," and he walked the other way. I hollered after him, "Look, Dude....you're the one who asked, ahahahahahahaha!!!" I love this town.

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Saturday, August 02, 2008

Weird, stupid, obnoxious, or should I just take it as a compliment? Current mood: confused Category: Life So....after "another one of those nights", I was dropping off a couple of friends of mine on my way home in a cab. I got out of the cab to let them out on the curb side. When I did, two or three guys on the sidewalk held up cameras and started taking pictures of me, and looking as jovial as all hell! Um....what the fuck? This sort of thing has happened to a couple of girls that I've known, but....never to me! I can't help but wonder....just who the hell did these crankshifters think I was?

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You get my point.....and here's to many more "special moments"!

Thanks,

Marty E.

My letter(s) home on 9/12/01 w/ follow-ups or a lesson to be learned is to not take anything for granted, least of all your own sanity!

9/6/06
Everyone's talking about the 5th anniversary of 9/11.You hear all kinds of bullshit from the pundits and our so-called President Bush about whether we are "safe" or "safer", as if anything any of them says means a goddamn thing.So, here's what I wrote to my friends and family around the country (including many of you reading this now) in the immediate wake of the 9/11 attack on New York City. There's no influence from pundits, journalists, or politicians; just a no-BS assessment of what was going on through the eyes and ears of a young NYC Rock N' Roller living dangerously close to the front line. As I was writing this at the time, I had no idea how 9/11 would be expoited and used in vain,i.e., gratuitous wars, conspiracies both true and untrue, and convenient scams of every type (especially the Patriot Act and other erosions of our civil rights). All I knew was I'd never felt so awful in my life. One interesting tidbit was that Slayer's God Hates Us All album came out that very day...and interestingly, it was the only album I could listen to for a couple of weeks. I was so numb, it was the only music that made me feel anything...and the only one that seemed to make any sense. And if I sound like I come across as a complete batshit crackerjack in these emails, it's only because I was fucking terrified....but that's probably understood. Enough of my ranting.

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9/12/01..>..>

Hello everyone.I am alive and well, at least physically. Inside, I've been on the verge of losing my mind since I woke up yesterday. I mean, how is a person supposed to react when there are flying bombs going off, destroying a landmark that you are accustomed to seeing daily, like a close friend, just a mile or two from the place you call home?!!!

For me...I feel my eyes welling up with bitter, angry tears sometimes...other times, I maintain my sense of humor...still others, I feel worried....and others, I feel (still) that nothing can stop me. There's a conflict.There's also a conflict of just WHY I feel this way....from the fact that probably tens of thousands of people are lying in the rubble dowtown, to more selfish reasons, such as not being able to work, play my music, and essentially, live my life. But, that shouldn't be too damn much to ask....For the second day in a row, I have an involuntary day off, so I decided to go down to my beloved East Village and get myself a coffee and maybe some sushi and try to regroup. Well, I got my coffee and ate my sushi, but there is some kind of faint haze in the air from 14th Street on down...consisting of dust and smoke, and what's rumored to be asbestos. I decided to get the hell out of there.

The streets from 14th Street on down are blocked off for automobiles....and everything south of Canal St is evacuated.The streets are surprisingly calm...there are people about, but there is this uncertain, morose calm over most people that I see. Near Times Square yesterday, there was some two-bit sidewalk preacher telling us that the "Lord is coming."I felt the anger rising, and wanted to tell him that I felt that the "Lord" must have taken the day off, but I maintained my cool.I don't know what's going to happen, just as nobody does. I wonder if I have any friends who might've been in the WTC yesterday.

A couple of months ago, when my financial situation was at rock bottom, I took a job as a foot messenger, and made many deliveries, daily, to the financial district in lower Manhattan. To think that I might've gotten caught up in this if I hadn't gotten quickly sick of that utterly thankless job is a lot to fathom.The only thing I can tell you at this point, is that there isn't a lot that matters to me anymore, at least for the time being. All my mad passion and ambition for being a great musician, drummer, Rock N Roll star, and writer seems almost like a thing of the past. But, I think that's merely due to shock.But I didn't realize, at all, what a carefree life I've had for 20-odd years...until yesterday morning. Now I wonder if life will ever be the same. One thing that I've learned from all of this already is the bitter motivation that must have been prevalent amongst the American population during the first two World Wars. I've never lived in a war-torn era, but I'm deeply afraid that I'm about to. The Gulf War, as I understood it at the time, was some rinky-dink little battle over control of oil. This...is REAL. I wouldn't mind kicking some Bin Laden ass, myself, after what he seems to have done! The front line is just a few miles down the road. And, I'm "Man" enough to admit that I'm scared. Do you remember when some kind of biological weapons were released in a Tokyo subway a couple of years ago? Well, I ride the subway every day...and so do millions of other people wearing the same worried face as myself.

But, the bottom line is, I guess I can't let this ruin my life if I can possibly avoid it. I still love this city and belong here...and probably feel that way even moreso since this shite has hit the fan. And I believe that someone up there, somewhere, despite my faults, is looking out for me.I deeply appreciate all of the calls and emails that I've gotten from everyone. Feel free to write anytime.

9/13/01

Now, we have some clowns calling in fake bomb threats. There was supposedly a bomb in the Empire State Building (4 blocks from my house) and consequently, they were evacuating Penn Station and routing all traffic off of 9th Avenue (which is where I live). It all turned out to be a hoax, and I was ready to hightail it out of my damn neighborhood. The sense of humor of some people leaves much to be desired.(later)Now there have been over 100 bomb scares in Manhattan...in the Empire State Building (again), Grand Central, Port Authority, and seemingly countless office buildings where friends of mine work. These were all either hoaxes or false alarms. The villains, in some ways have already won; they have instilled a paranoia that will last for a long time. Speaking of work, my office is closed until Monday, but...I really doubt that business is going to be good any time soon. The whole city now smells like smoke, and many people who are about are wearing some kind of gas masks, which I think look ridiculous, which wouldn't matter if I thought that they did much good.You know, just a few days ago, everything was great, and I was on top of the world. Now...that's all disappeared. Many of the great people I know are talking about hoping that the US destroys entire countries, and I find myself agreeing with this...but, I don't want to be this kind of person. There's a loss of any remaining innocence, decency, and mercy, in a lot of ways, and there's not a hell of a lot anyone can do about it.

I mean, down at Union Square, there are a bunch of people singing the Lennon song, "Give Peace a Chance." That sounds great, but I don't think that can happen, here in the real world. I'm sorry, but there is no chance, and I'm as sick about it as the next guy. When the hopes and dreams of most everyone I know have gone down the proverbial shitter, I can't find myself singing along. I never thought in my whole life that I'd say such a thing, but Rock N Roll doesn't really mean a damn thing to me at this particular moment, and Lennon, if he were here today, might very well agree with me.

The latest information that I've heard is that there have been several people caught with fake flight licenses and weapons at both JFK and LaGuardia...apparently, another hijacking or two may have been thwarted. These assholes don't know when to quit, do they? Just when flights are about to resume, these barbaric imbeciles have to add further insult to injury.Well, I'm going to ponder this over a beer....If anyone would like to write, please feel free....

Your good friend...

Marty E

You Should Have Never Opened That Door or This Might Have Been The Guy Everyone's Parents Warned Us About (Wierd Tales from the City, Part 1)

When I moved to New York City, over 9 years ago, it was even harder to find a place to live than it is now....hell, I'd say it was a *lot* harder, now that I think about it. There was no Craig's List, to speak of (I think maybe it was just starting at that point) for one to find ads in, nor was there Facebook/Twitter/Myspace, etc, to help get the word across. There was the Village Voice (the PRINT version), but anything listed in there was almost always GONE by the time you even had a chance to read the ad. There were all kinds of "services" that would supposedly give you "lists" of available apartments if you'd give them, for, like, $200....but most of those were scams, and often, they were just reprints of the Voice ads. Fuckers.

There was one service that I used that *was* legit, and...to the lady who worked there that helped me....wherever she is, God bless your heart, wherever you are....and to my good friend Alfredo, who had a very soft floor in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn for me to crash on for the time-being.

That being said, it was still quite the adventure calling all these people who were looking for roommates, figuring out whether or not they were worth pursuing, and inevitably hopping all over a sweltering New York City (which I didn't know my way around quite yet, but was learning) to look at these apartments and meet these people.

[Overwhelming? Welcome to my life....and maybe yours too, right?]

But I'm writing today to tell you about the best story I picked up while desperately seeking a feasible living space. Some of you who know me might have heard this one, but....this is the type of story that NEVER gets old, and one I will never forget.

So, I saw a listing for a room in a two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, right by the corner of 83rd and Broadway, for about $700. So far, so good, right? So, I called this dude, who sounded sane and cool enough in the brief conversation I had with him on the phone. Furthermore, if I remember correctly, I believe I was the first caller, which inspired confidence. So I made an appointment to see meet this guy at his apartment that afternoon, around 3pm. Good shit!

So, I looked at my trusty Subway map and got my ass in gear and went over there....the apartment was on the 8th floor I think....the building at a doctor's office at street level....I got in the elevator, which lifted me to the 8th floor. The first thing I saw when the doors opened up was a "welcome" mat that said, "GET LOST!" I looked at my piece of paper, and was relieved that this was NOT the apartment I was to look at (but it was, indeed, good advice, as we're about to find out). I turned to my left and walked on down to the end of the hall, and knocked on the door.

The door opened up....and what I saw was a weird motherfucker in his mid-fifties....he sort of looked like a way-more-weathered Gary Busey. He was fat, had "gin blossons" on his nose, and had the three long hairs on his head pulled back in a pony tail. No shit. He sort of lunged at me, grabbed one of my shoulders, while "patting" the other one (pretty hard, mind you), sort of pulled me in and bellowed, "HI! HOW are YOUUU?!!!! You must me MARRRRRTY!!!!!" The guy seemed to be perpetually shouting...not in an angry way but....they guy was just too happy in his own skin, especially when it looked like that!

Anyway, we stepped into the living room, where there were two grand pianos, some sheet music strewn on the floor, and some college kid from Laos, who was all of 19-years-old at the very most, lying on a mat in the corner. "THIS IS ONE OF MY TENANTS," the guy said. I wondered how much he was charging this poor kid for a corner of the living room....but it occurred to me quickly that I'd rather not know what the arrangement was.

He led me to the room I was there to look at, which was fine....then we went through the door to the bathroom....then through another door to his room....all the while, he was constantly patting my shoulders....the thought of which still makes me queasy. I guess he wanted to discuss business in his room. Great. "HAVE A SEAT HERE....on the BED", he all but screamed. "Fuck that shit", I was thinking, while I practically jumped into the chair at his desk instead.

So he began telling me his story, with occasional interjections from me. "WELL....I'm an ACTOR and I TEACH PIANO LESSONS in the LIVING ROOM, there, which is why the PIANOS are IN THERE!!!! I go OUT from TIME to TIME, and DRINK and PLAY CARDS.....and I DATE MEN AND WOMEN...."

Which, is fine, but.....

Holy shit, this guy was just too much!!!! Do you remember the dude you were afraid was going to come and GET you when you were a little kid and couldn't sleep? Well, THIS was the GUY!

So, I mentioned that my former girlfriend from back home was to visit me for a week or so, and asked if he would have a problem with that. "NOOOOOO.....NOPE....I can't be HAVING THAT," he roared.

"OK, then," I said, "Um....really nice meeting you anyway!"

Hahahahahaha....

It wasn't over yet. Apparently he had to go downstairs for something, so....I had to do what no living organism ever wanted to do, and that was get in the elevator with this guy!

So, in the elevator, he asked me why I moved to New York, and I briefly explained to him that I was a drummer looking for a band.

Without as much as a split second's hesitation, he ROARED, "YEAH!!!! THAT WAY YOU CAN BE A ROCK STAR and FUCK 'EM AAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[I couldn't do anything but laugh my ass off right along with him, if only because....I knew what he meant when he said, "ALL"!

The End.