Tuesday, July 27, 2010

"I said, 'EXCUSE ME!'" or "The Trials & Tribulations of Dealing with People with no Spacial Awareness or Social Intelligence": PART 1

If you're going to live in New York City, you have to adjust the the fact that there are over least 8 million people here (more, if you count commuters from the likes of New Jersey) eating, drinking, sleeping, traveling, and, most of all, LIVING on top of (and underneath) one another.  That's simply a fact of life here, and if you can't deal with it....there's plenty of space in Kansas, Dorothy!

That being said, I cannot overstate the importance of  being aware of your surroundings in this city....at all times, if possible.  Not only might this prevent you from getting hurt, killed, or ripped off....but it also increases your level of common courtesy, out and about in the world, which makes it easier for EVERYONE to live here, day to day.

At any given moment, you have your personal space, and other people have theirs.  When I'm out in the world, I want to get to where I'm going and do what I do, and I'd like to do that without your personal space intersecting with (with notable exceptions, hahahaha) or invading mine.  In order for that to happen, one must be alert, observant, and at least mildly empathetic (and this is even possible while blasting an Ipod in your ears if you're reasonably sharp.  Trust me).  I call it "Spacial Awareness".  I'm not sure if I made the term up or not....but who the hell cares?

The problem is that many, many people who cross my path don't have it at all....which surprises me, considering the amount of people who have been here for a lot longer than I have, many of which were born and raised here.

So, I'm going to describe some scenarios that happen to me, sometimes on a daily basis, in which people's lack of Spacial Awareness colors my day with various shades of red....from the mildly annoying to the astronomically infuriating!

My favorite one happens all the time.  For example, I will attempt to walk into a deli to buy myself an iced coffee and a newspaper, when, much to my chagrin, I find some jackoff standing in the doorway, in MY WAY, for no evident reason.  And, an even BIGGER mystery to me, is WHY the said JACKOFF won't MOVE!!!  So....what do I do?  Well, I'll look the pinwang in the EYE, and, in my deepest, gruffest voice (and those of you who know me know damn well how great I am at this), I bark, "EXCUSE me!!!"  More often than not, they get startled, and quickly scamper to the side, allowing me to squeeze through and get on with my day.  Each and every time, under my breath, I mutter, "That's a NICE way of saying, 'Get the FUCK out of my WAY!'"  This is always worth a chuckle or two if I have a friend with me, ahahahaha....

Another ignoramus whom I find particularly titillating, is the dipfuck who's walking 5-steps ahead of you on the sidewalk who, for no apparent reason, decides to suddenly stop in his tracks.  Consequently, the asshat in question comes damn close to wreaking havoc on the entire progression of pedestrian traffic on that particular block, when you come close to plowing right into him and toppling him and God knows who else, over like dominoes.  The best part?  If you do happen to run smack dab into the guy, or even brush against him a little, bit, the numbskull will look at YOU as if YOU did something wrong and were invading HIS personal space!!!  Tourists are famous for this move.  That's why some clever guy decided to give them THEIR OWN LANE.

There are other nincompoops that are similar to the "sidewalk stallers", but are possibly even more irritating.  Let's say I'm walking into the Subway Station, and there are perhaps 6 or 7 other people also doing so.  The train we all want to take is in the station, and about to leave, so everyone runs to try to make the train.  There's always at least ONE genius who, once he gets ON the train, suddenly, again, just STOPS in his TRACKS, right on the inside of the train doors.....once again, risking a human avalanche, or at least keeping those behind him from getting on the train before the doors close, and the train takes off.  And, what inspirational words to I have for the ASSCLOWN in question?  "Hey, Dude!  No WORRIES, Man!  None of US wanted to get on the train TOO, ya know?  We just wanted to accompany YOUR dumb ass to make sure YOU got on ok.  That's fucking AWESOME!!!"  Or something to that effect.  This particular dipshit has never prevented me from getting on the train, but he has afforded me many a chorus of laughs at his expense.  Hopefully, it was a lesson well-learned, but....sadly, probably not.  What a fucking idiot!

Speaking of Subway Trains....this maybe isn't THAT big of a deal...but you've seen this before, and it annoys me enough that I MUST remark on it.  I get on the train and it's a bit crowded.  The train is moving, and I always want to hold onto what ever pole or bars or whatever is put there to hold onto to prevent me from falling down (and don't even get me STARTED about the fucking multitudes of MORONS who DON'T use them and have almost "bitten it" right before my eyes).   Well, so I reach for the nearest pole (shut up, I know what you're thinking, but I have a much better joke coming up), and some complete Shit-For-Brains is LEANING on it.....which, not only isn't really maintaining much stability to the fool in question,  no one ELSE can use it to stabilize themselves either?  The best part?  99% of the time, the guy is leaning his ASS against it!  I've never actually said this, but one of these days, I'm going to: "Dude, listen....we can all tell by looking at you how badly you want a POLE in your ass....but can't you at least WAIT until you get OFF the fucking TRAIN?!!!   THANKS!!!!"  Ahahahahahahaha.....

I could go on....about people, who....when you're waiting in line, and the line moves, they just stay in one place, and refuse to MOVE the fuck UP....(try just walking past them....that usually wakes them up)....and many other people who lack common courtesy in every-day life, but I'm trying to keep this as short as I can, ok?

Now, stay the hell out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours!

Thanks for reading!

Marty E.

PS-On an unrelated note, there's another idiot that really burns me that I NEED to tell you about, right NOW....just to get it OFF my CHEST, ok?

I walk into the pizzeria, and get myself a slice....and I can't seem to find the seasonings!  The...black pepper...the RED pepper....and sometimes I want Parmesan fucking cheese, ok?  Where the hell ARE they?!!!  I look around....and some lardass is sitting at a table....and they're all there....suspiciously close to his PLATE.  "Hey Man.....I REALIZE that YOU are SO much more SPECIAL than the other 500 people who get a slice here EVERY fucking DAY.  I REALIZE that the SEASONINGS....the CONDIMENTS, if you will, are STRICTLY for YOUR use....hell, no one else would EVER even WANT to use THOSE!  We ALL REALIZE that YOUR three fucking dollars are GREENER than the REST of ours! But would you fucking MIND if I BORROWED them for a MINUTE?!!!"  I mean, seriously, why can't these crankjobs just sprinkle the shit on their slice up at the counter, as soon as they get it, and then SIT their ass down, and enjoy?!!  That's what those of us with good SENSE do!!!

OK....enough of my ranting!

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