Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Best Little Kiss-Off in Texas...Or Was That a Blow-Off?

This past March, my band The Dirty Pearls played at South By Southwest in Austin, TX.  It was a week full of adventures, fun, and  Rock N' Roll. I had a great time playing Rock N' Roll and partying with my homeboys.  That's what we do!

But the funniest thing I remember about it happened the night we got there.

I was walking down the massively crowded street on my own after checking out some band somewhere...I was wearing my new (at the time) Chinese Police Hat, and was feeling pretty damn good about it.  While I was carefully considering just where the source of my next beer might be, a gaggle of DIPFUCKS walked by me. One of them had the panache to yell to me, "HEY, nice HAT ya fucking FAGGOT!!!"

I was stunned, not only that this cock mongrel had the insolence to imply that I was a homosexual, but by the fact that he was clearly an ignoramus for not recognizing a fucking cool hat when he saw one!  And, let me tell you, Gentle Reader, there was going to be RETRIBUTION!!!!

I turned around, and I BELLOWED after the whole lot of them, these immortal words that will make them think twice before ever again disparaging another Rock N' Roller (at a MUSIC FESTIVAL, no less). 

I screamed, "HEY!!!  If I'm such a FAGGOT, why don't you come on OVER here, and SUCK MY FUCKIN' DICK?!!!!!"

The blowhard in question then turned around, and said, "WHAT?!  WHAT WAS THAT?!!!"

I then pointed to my pelvic region with both hands, and answered, "I SAID, 'SUCK MY DICK!!!!' AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"

Of course, the boys in shorts didn't attempt to intervene any further, and I walked away, very satisfied with myself!  And, I hit the drums even harder than I normally would at the gigs we played over the next couple of days.  Here is some footage:

Thanks for reading!

Marty E.

Friday, August 6, 2010 all started...and ended...with an ethnic condiment....

A few years back, when I was still living ex of mine (don't ask)...we had woken up on a Saturday afternoon, very hungover and hungry.  For some asinine reason, it was decided that I should go around the corner to McDonald's, and procure for us a couple of combo meals  (which I don't do anymore...ever....fuck that shit). 

I ordered a Quarter-Pounder w/ Cheese (minus onions) meal for myself, and a Veggie Burger meal for what'shername.

So, I was waiting up front for my "food", like a civilized person does, when this substantially LARGE dude who's also waiting, next to his equally corpulent wife, turned to me, and said, "HEY!"

"Um....Hey?!"  was my reply.

"What's the NAME of that....ya know....that SAUCE....ya KNOW?!!!!"

"Um....I really don't know, Man....." I answered.

"Awww....Come ON,'s that MEXICAN sauce....yaKNOWwhatIMEAN?!!!"

In a daze and royally hungover, I hadn't the foggiest notion of just what the hell this dude was TALKING about.

"No, shit, I REALLY don't KNOW....Man!"  Was my annoyed but politely expressed reply.

The dude, wearing an orange shirt with white stripes, brown cut-offs (or JORTS, as some people call them) and tenner shoes with Velcro on them, shook his head (as if I'm an idiot...I mean, HE was the one who couldn't think of what the fucking SAUCE was called, ok?) then got his "food", and he and his foodie-in-crime went and sat down.  

I was relieved.

A couple more minutes passed.  My "food" was finally ready.  I then went to grab ketchup and napkins and other-such shit.  When I turned around to head toward the door, the head of the Mexican Condiment Investigation Task Force was standing standing in my way.....and he uttered something indecipherable.....

"Heh?"  Was my incredulously annoyed response.

He repeated something I still couldn't understand...but it sounded vaguely like, "She's PORTLY!"  Right?

I made a face, and was just ABOUT to retort, "Well, you aren't exactly THIN YOURSELF, there, JACK!!!"  

But I didn't.....because just as I was ABOUT to say that, he bellowed it, and I understood....he finally figured out what the mystery sauce was, and was sharing this valuable bit of information with me....and it was....


Thanks for reading, and have a kickass weekend!

Your good friend, 

Marty E.

PS-I have a fucking million of them!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A short and sweet statement from the bottom of my heart

Rock N' Roll (or what's passing for it these days) has been hijacked by Hip Hop, hipsters, and horseshit!

My band, the Dirty Pearls, are preparing to steal it back.

Mark my words.

Rehearsals/pre-production for our debut album with David Kahne start one week from today.

When we're through recording this fucker, get on board....or get your sweet ass out of the way!

Your good friend,

Marty E.

Monday, August 2, 2010

7 Questions You Should Ask Yourself About Her (And She Should Ask Herself About You) Before You Decide To Shack Up

Disclaimer #1:  I'm no expert on relationships....but what I certainly am is experienced.  My experiences have taught me well, and are the source of any authority (and good humor) that I write with here.  Case in point, I've been there, and I know what I'm talking about.

Disclaimer #2: I know that the title looks like I'm speaking strictly to the guys about the girls (or the gentlemen about the ladies or the dicks about the chicks), but, as you can see from what are in the parentheses in the title, I'm really speaking to anyone considering moving in with someone.  It's just that I'm an American Rock N' Rolling Man, so....that's the point of view from which I speak, that's all.

You understand, I'm sure, if you're even reading this. 

OK, here's the list.

#1.  How does her Mom treat her Dad?

Think about it.  Where does everyone learn things from, first-hand, and who had the most influence on forming a person's values and shaping their perspective on relationships?  The answer, much more often than not, is their PARENTS.  Now, granted, you really can't generalize things too much, but....if someone comes from a good, well-balanced upbringing (and I'm not talking about superficial, surface shit, like "Class Structure" or "Economics", I'm talking about relationships, love, and interaction), chances are that person will be well-balanced and adjusted as an adult.

However, if one comes from a household, where, say, the mother was the type who walked all over the father, a girl is going to learn something from that, and take that as an example of how to be, even if it's subconscious (and again, you can switch the gender roles to fit your situation, as I said in my disclaimers).

Now granted, you'll have relationships with people whose parents are divorced or they have a deceased parent, but these also are things that affect a person deeply, and are things to think about (but aren't necessarily deal-breakers). 

And, if you haven't even MET your significant-other's parents...well, you should put off playing "house" until you have.  Which leads me to .....

#2. How Long Have You Been Seeing Each Other?

I know how a lot of people are....I was this way too.  You get all infatuated right away, and want to get serious immediately and all that shit, because you're just SO in love, right?  Sure!  I did it!  Hell, some years back, I met and moved in with a girl all in one weekend!!!  Was that a good idea?  HELL to the Fucking-A NO!!!! 

The thing you have to remember is that when you move in with someone, you're not only living with the woman you're infatuated with, as romantic as the notion is.  You're sharing a living space with a warts-and-all (hopefully, only in a matter of speaking, hahaha), belching, farting, bitching, sneezing, coughing, jabbering, snoring human being (just as SHE is.  Like I said, I'm being fair).  She might be a slob....or a neat freak!  Hell, you might be a midget porn addict who listens to Peaches & Herb!  The point is, you need to make sure you know this person well enough in all of these contexts and settings before you're going to take a big, serious step like this, and that comes from dating someone for quite awhile and getting to KNOW that person for REAL.

#3. Does She Have Violent/Abusive Tendencies?

That means just that.  Does she hit you?  Is she verbally abusive?  Does it drive you INSANE, and start turning you into someone you don't want to be?  Well, if this is going on NOW, Jack, don't live under the same roof with her, because it's more-than-likely going to get worse and worse...and it's hard to escape from your own home, more or less.  

The fact of that matter is, by moving in with someone, you are placing a lot of faith and trust in her to love, protect, and take care of you (both men and women need that in a relationship).  Tainting this with any sort of violence or verbal abuse is the kind of shit that starts leading you down a dark road of resentment, leading to certain destruction and maybe worse.  You don't want to go there, do you?!  Never mind that any form of abusive behavior never called-for and completely unnecessary; it is going to affect all facets of your life in ways that might not even occur to you.

So, in summation, if this is going on-FORGET ABOUT IT!

#4. Is There Mutual Trust Between You?

This has to be a given.  If you decide to go out with your buddies and get shit-faced until 5 am-is she going to freak out and call you every 5 minutes, wondering what you're doing and who you're with?  And how about you?  How do you act when SHE wants to do her version of the same?  Are you the one who's possessive?  Furthermore, if there is a lack of trust between you, what is the source of that?  Does one person try to control the other's behavior when they're not around, and place unreasonable demands?   It's a recipe for disaster, and often, a prophecy that's self-fulfilled.

Often, the one who refuses to trust is the one who's less trustworthy... but, again, it's difficult to generalize.  But what's not difficult is to foresee that this sort of thing will most-likely get worse with the onset of cabin fever.

PS-If you feel like you have to snoop through her cellphone or computer, or if she feels she has to do this to you, your relationship is already fucked.  I don't care if you've been married for 50 years; violating someone's personal privacy is INEXCUSABLE!!!

#5. Do You Fight A Lot Already?

IF YOU DO....again, it's going to get worse if you move in together, not better.  

I'm not talking about the meaningless, often humorous bickering that goes on between people in just about any couple.  I'm talking about a situation in which every night out for a few beers turns into War of the Roses.  It's not fun.  And trust me, the two of you getting into confrontations about who's going to take out the fucking garbage, wash the dishes, and make the goddamn bed is not going to rectify the situation.  TRUST me.

#6.  Is She TOO Dependent On You?

On the other hand, sometimes a person can be too docile & depressive, and make you feel like you're her everything, ALL the time (and I'll remind you, again, I'm not being gender specific, in case you missed my now MANY disclaimers, hahahaha).  Can she get by on her own, and go about her day without constant contact (and for that matter, can you)?  I mean, if she's so codependent that she has to write you  life-changing text messages like, "I WONDER what I should EAT"....well, you might have something to think about.

 A person who is too dependent on the other is ALSO placing unreasonable demands on the other person.  This is a REAL drag, and not sexy in the least (and those of you who have been in this situation know EXACTLY what I mean).  And the more you give into it, the more you're going to be EXPECTED to give into it.....and you aren't doing ANYONE a favor by doing that.  Moving in together, in this case, is going to be just another form of emotional entrapment for you.  Don't do it.

#7. What's Going On Financially?

Does one of you have more money than the other, and a higher standard of living?  That is fine with some people, but will that situation cause stress?  By that, I mean, will the person on the higher end of the financial spectrum feel like he/she's pulling all the weight?  Will that put him/her on a power trip?  Or, will the person on the lower end of the spectrum feel like a complete loser, due to lack of funds?  Will he/she wallow in the relative convenience of the set-up?  These are questions you must ask yourselves, even though it may be the furthest thing from you minds.  

Why?  Because, from both sides, this is the sort of thing that plants the seeds of resentment....and resentment starts small, but it grows and grows, like Cancer.  It will eventually be a passion-killer, and will take your relationship with it.  Read that again, because this is the maybe the most important paragraph I've written here.

So, with THAT all being said.....

I think that about covers it.  I'm sure there are many other issues I didn't cover, but that's a damn good start.  Everyone has their issues....hell, there are probably 1,000,000 times as many issues in this world as there are human beings!

It's a wonder how anyone gets laid!

Anyway, good luck to you, and thanks for reading!

Marty E.